Fathers bring out those shotguns

(The Statesman Aug '15 )

Children are engaging and draw attention immediately. Amongst the many types of interactions the one I enjoy the most is between girls and their fathers, particularly the sweet banter and easy camaraderie. I am touched at how protective fathers are of their daughters, and how much daughters implicitly trust their fathers. Fathers stretch themselves to answer questions outside their expertise such as the dress that looks best on their daughters or the earrings that match. I read a food column by a journalist who frequently talks about his little girl. Recently on a TV show, several successful women found that the one thing they had in common was encouragement by their fathers. Many studies in parenting have established that children do better socially and academically where fathers are more engaged with their children.

Therefore it comes as a surprise to me that this strong bond is not conspicuous when the girl grows up. Of course the girl has a spouse and a new family and many more relationships have to be accommodated in their lives. However, when someone faces a crisis, it normally unites the family and well-wishers in a common goal of support and show of strength for the loved one.

So I must ask why many more men are not on the streets demanding equality and justice for their daughters? When a girl goes through the trauma of sexual assault, the heartbreak is equal for both parents. Yet I find that that often it is the sisterhood of citizens that are most vocally supportive of victims. I have no doubt that men offer strong silent support but it would give all women a new sense of confidence and pleasure to have their old allies, fathers, take up more conspicuous cudgels on their behalf. 

Parents can play a decisive role in the serious domestic violence cases. A girl who is being brutally harmed by an alcoholic or violent husband can and must turn to her parents for support. Parents are a trustworthy and lifelong shelter. There is no ‘loss of face’ or ‘loss of respect’ if a girl lives with her parents. After all, grown up men continue to live with theirs. It is time we value our children enough to focus on ‘saving the girl ‘rather than ‘saving the marriage at any cost’. 

It is perplexing that fathers are vocal about their daughters finding the right match but strangely silent when it becomes evident that the wrong match was found. Is it because of deference to another man? But would a violent and cruel man command respect? Or is it some misplaced belief that daughters no longer belong to them? Try asking a daughter what she feels about the equation. Perhaps the parents link a failure of a marriage to themselves in some way and so want to preserve the marriage to avoid being blamed.

Movies are full of the proverbial ’father with shotgun’ scenes where the father is ready to blow to bits any prospective suitor he feels is trying to mislead his daughter or is not good enough for her. There is that sense of pride that he is capable of providing for and looking after his daughter. She can count on him. His love is unconditional. The family is shelter from the storm.

Why is more of this not happening in real life? Why are not men taking up their shotguns, ready to blast their daughter’s assaulters to bits? Or give their male colleagues who say thoughtless and derogatory remarks about women a solid punch? The relationship or responsibility of family does not end with marriage; it is a lifelong process. Why can’t more fathers stand up and say ‘let’s see how anyone messes with my daughter while I am still around. While we can bring into play our finest emotions when it comes to words like honour, principles, motherland and patriotism, why do men suppress their emotions when it comes to that beautiful word – daughter.

I never imagined writing a column advocating violence but this time I have to say – Fathers bring out those shotguns.

The Statesman.....14 August...