A magical evening from a few years ago.....

I can’t fully recreate the magic of the evening for you but let me describe it a bit.

The setting was in the beautiful town hall in old Delhi whose lawns were looking resplendent, decorated with wires containing lights. The surrounding trees were also similarly decked up. There was a trellis of diyas forming a backdrop for the stage at one end of the large garden.

During Talat Aziz’s performance, his singing was plagued by a malfunctioning sound system but he graciously acknowledged that what was missing on the technical side was more than compensated for by the warmth of the audience …

After that it was the turn of the famous Wadali brothers..

Their full throated ,crystal clear voices were mesmerizing and the thoughts they shared through their Sufi songs were beautiful …I am enumerating a few of  them….

On oneness/unity…

“Alas…people adhere largely to their own places of worship.. the Hindus don’t enter mosques and the Muslims don’t enter temples…better than all of us mankind are birds… for they flock to one building (mosque), then soon alight on another (mandir) without any discrimination…”

“People construct houses of worship…then set about excluding folks from them… Hindus are declared infidels at mosques.. Muslims are declared infidels at temples.. It is suggested that instead of building these, build liquor bars (maikhanas)…they are the most inclusive places at these, even infidels are not considered infidels…”

(you can imagine how appealing this thought is- large scale construction of bars- to certain people in the audience.:))

Love makes the world go round/ supremacy of love…

“God, inspired by Majnu’s devotion to Laila, sends an angel to summon him upstairs for a meeting. Majnu does not wish to be disturbed in his musings of Laila (so what if the summons come from none other than God)….He tells the angel to give this message to God that if God desires to meet me , he must come down to earth in the guise of Laila only then will I entertain him…

Some tell Majnu .. “you like this woman Laila but she is fairly dark…how do you find her beautiful ?”

He says “ beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder…anyone who finds her dark basically has a veil of darkness over their eyes which make them perceive all that they behold as dark !”

“And in any case , light and dark, what of them ? Why, the pages of the holy books are white and Gods message to us, his own words on them, are in dark black ink”…

Who is a really good Muslim…

“Not one who does the Hajj or does Namaz and Wuzu umpteen times a day…it is the man who can rub some salve on another’s wound and alleviate some measure of their pain…”

One of the most beautiful moments was their rendition of the famous Dama dam mast kalandar (first popularized by Runa Laila).

 Explanation/background for the third para of this song…(char charag tere balan hamesha..may four lamps always burn…)

One day the fakir (mast kalandar) was meditating under a ber (fruit) tree. Some hungry schoolboys started pelting the tree with stones. The first two throws resulted in tasty bers for them to eat, but the third stone hit the fakir instead. He shouted angrily “who has disturbed my prayers, tell me the name and I will curse them!”

The boys said “ we will tell you…but first we wish to make an observation on contrasting styles…when we hit the tree with stones, it gave us fruit…when you were hit with a stone what do you offer ?”

The fakir was amused and delighted with the children’s statement . He said that not only would he not curse but , additionally, they could ask him for any three wishes.

They said they wanted his forgiveness. He pressed them to ask for anything, anything at all ,yet they said all they wanted was for him to forgive them.

Once again, he was very touched by their answer and told them they were forgiven, always, in this world and the one above (dono jahan)..

The kids also gave him their good wishes saying that may the fakir be always remembered (it is worth noting that only saints/fakirs have candles lit at their tombs not rich men nor famous men) and lamps always lit at his tomb…..(char charag tere..)

There was much more but these thoughts have remained firmly etched in my mind....

Reading between lines of inequity

 Statesman August 2017

As a medical practitioner with a keen interest in gender-related social work, I often end up counselling patients on social challenges they may be facing.
This is because people commonly open up to doctors about various aspects of their lives, since a doctor is usually seen as a neutral and sympathetic professional. Apart from clear cut medico legal cases, one often senses that things are not right, when for example, a bruise is unexplained, even though the patient may not be forthcoming about the background history.

Here’s a glimpse of what I sometimes read between the lines when patients come to me:

Occasionally, I get a parent who winds up the description of his small daughter’s ailment and his concern about her future with this sentence “after all, Dr Sahib, she belongs to the tribe of girls”. In my mind I can immediately sense the pall of gloom in the parents’ thoughts and my heart goes out silently to the little girl.

I try to visualize the environment this child must be growing up in. An innocent little girl, carefree by nature, brought up in surroundings where everyone around is acutely aware that she belongs to the ‘tribe of girls’ and the implications that go along with it.One can imagine that her parents and relatives are careworn and weary; uncomfortable with the burden of bringing up a female child. They feel weighed down about being responsible for her safety in a world of rapacious men and perhaps falling into financial debt at a later stage when the girl is to be married.The father probably magnifies it all in his mind and drinks away his sorrows. Usually the presence of a small child invokes a feeling of indulgence in the hearts of adults nearby and the child senses that affection.
Imagine a child that grows up in an environment where it feels that its presence is contributing towards triggering anxiety in the mind of adults. Such a child is bound to have low self-esteem, feelings of anxiety transmitted from the parents as well as all sorts of complexes.


The father needs support and counseling as well. He does not have the maturity and acceptance or even the confidence that he can be an adequate father.Social ills like dowry affect men in equal measure since men are usually the ones who have to pay the huge financial sums involved in dowry transactions and this can easily land them in debt. So, for the father, it is emotional as well as financial anxiety.It needs to be defined and taught as to what sort of environment is to be created at home so that the child can truly blossom and reach its full potential.

 Likewise, a whole lot of thoughts flip through my mind when an illiterate woman comes for an eye check up and the husband condescendingly says ‘she cannot read”. It is sad to know that the woman is usually the only such individual in the family, as the children go to school and are getting an education.I often ask the family outright why they cannot take time out from their studies/ retired life respectively and teach her for just half an hour every day. They themselves would be surprised at how easily adults pick up reading and writing. Last year, on Mother’s day, we had run a small campaign to try and encourage children to teach their mothers.We tried to co-opt principals to facilitate this. People focus on educating the young but why should a generation of adult women be condemned to illiteracy?

Recently, a lady came to me and begged me to attend to her quickly otherwise she would get a scolding from her mother-in-law for staying out too long. I was incredulous; how could her mother-in-law assume that she would hang around longer at the doctor’s intentionally?
The lady further narrated how she had wanted to show her children and herself for a long time but was not encouraged to leave the house nor did anyone in the joint family agree to accompany her to the doctor.
This upset me on several counts. Firstly, in the mother-in-law’s overwhelming desire to dominate the daughter-in-law and curb her activities, the children’s health was being overlooked. In the larger context I thought about how the family system can end up exploiting women. It seems that men have three tiers of help – the domestic staff, the wife and often the doting parents, as in joint families, the married couple stays in the boy’s house. In the case of a lady she often has only the support of the domestic staff, or in some cases, no support at all. What is painful is that whatever little energy she has, goes into fending off an unwelcome and often patriarchal environment.
It never ceases to amaze me, that even with these multiple layers of support, men earn more and are lauded for their achievements whereas keeping the relatively limited resources of the woman in mind, it is her victories that are all the more commendable.Women do a lot of balancing between chores, children and professional duties and it can lead to mental and physical stress.In contrast, men often focus on just their professional work. Yet at work, men and women have the same sort of targets which they must deliver on. In today’s world, given the complex multitasking a woman is compelled to do both at home and the office, her achievements are truly impressive.

Occasionally, there are female patients who, despite being knowledgeable and articulate, don't get a chance to speak to the doctor at all, because their well-meaning relatives just take charge and describe the woman's entire illness to the doctor. In a patriarchal society women often are suppressed and their personalities not allowed to develop.
The only place where such women can actually speak freely might likely be with their small children at home, since they don't get to socialize much. For a nation that prides itself on the garrulous and argumentative nature of its citizens, these women seem to have missed out on this mainstream pastime.

Interacting with patients on a daily basis and reflecting on what they are experiencing, brings to mind the obvious question: how do we help alleviate their problems?
There are two national debates raging currently, one on the misuse and influencing of police personnel by powerful leaders and the second on the dilution of laws protecting women.
These have highlighted how even some of the institutions created to help the public do not provide adequate succour to women in their time of need and distress. Perhaps the answer lies in ensuring there are a large numbers of women legislators in the National parliament to keep social issues pertaining to women firmly in the forefront and help solve them.

Women may be down but are not out

The Statesman, July 12


Rafia Zakaria’s article ‘Domestic violence: a man’s right’ (The Statesman, 19 May reproduced from Dawn) struck a deep chord with me. Her statement: “dismantling the cultural apparatus that would enable women to think like women, identify with other women and resist the domination of men is very difficult”, compelled me to take stock of the situation vis-à-vis this dismantling.

Women are gradually gaining ground in the quest for equality because international cooperation has ensured that women’s issues are at par with political issues thanks to steps taken by prominent men and women.

The UN secretary general Antonio Gutteres, has placed gender equality firmly at the top of the UN agenda.
The efforts of UN goodwill ambassador Angelina Jolie are an inspiring example of what influential people can achieve when they set their mind towards women’s empowerment. It was in 2013 that Jolie strode up to the podium during the G8 Summit and spoke to the leaders there about rape in conflict zones. In all likelihood, this was the first time such a topic took centre-stage during a political summit. Since 2014, due to her efforts along with those of William Hague, then British Foreign secretary, there are now summits on sexual violence in conflict zones and two-thirds of the member countries of the UN have signed the pledge to end this scourge and not treat rapes in conflict zones as a lesser crime.Jolie has also highlighted the meagre presence of women in peacekeeping missions - a dismal five per cent.

 In 2014, members of the G20 Summit in Australia decided to introduce a W20 section to the Summit with the objective of reducing the employment gap between men and women by a further 25 per cent by 2025.The focus of this women’s section was to develop women’s entrepreneurship and included women from the fields of business, politics and civil society.Three such W20 Summits took place from 2015 to 2017 (Istanbul 2015, China 2016, Germany 2017). At these meetings, targets were set for empowering women at work. To broaden this initiative, henceforth representatives to the UN from all countries should take a collective stand and get an already receptive UN to announce a minimum gender budget applicable to all countries.

Gender equality at the highest levels sets a fine example for all to see and emulate. Several countries are demonstrating their inclination towards gender justice, either by ensuring high levels of female representation in their cabinets such as France and Canada; or electing women to high office as England, Scotland, Germany, South Korea, Brazil and several others have done, or by having large numbers of women in their parliaments such as Rwanda and Tunisia.
In India activists are lobbying political leaders for the passage of the Women’s Reservation Bill (an unfortunate misnomer - it is actually a constitutional representation and women need to win an election to earn the seat). It guarantees that at least onethird of all seats in parliament will be reserved for women. It however, has the record of being one of the longest pending bills in the history of the Indian parliament.Though a majority of politicians back it verbally, they have collectively not mustered up the interest or determination to see this important bill through.

 Several influential personalities are highlighting gender issues in their important public speeches.
 Janet Yellen, chairperson of Federal Reserve bank of the US gave a speech at her alma mater, Brown University titled “So we all can succeed; 125 years of women’s participation in the economy”.
She quoted Malala Yousafzai’s thoughtful words “We cannot succeed when half of us are held back”. Justice Bhanumati, while delivering the judgment upholding the death penalty for the perpetrators in the Nirbhaya gang rape case in India, widened the ambit of her judgment to emphasize the need for gender justice.To quote, “Every individual, irrespective of his or her gender must be willing to assume the responsibility in fight for gender justice and also awaken public opinion on gender justice.”

Corporates are being compelled to create more gender-equal environments as more women speak out against the prevalent injustices. Sexual harassment in the workplace is getting addressed better, thus helping women realise their career potential more fully. Silicon Valley has recently seen admissions of guilt and resignations by prominent men who were taking advantage of female colleagues. Recently a senior board member of Uber, Bonderman, had to resign after making sexist remarks about women on corporate boards at a staff meeting.

There is exciting new data highlighting the professionalism of women. Two studies in the February 2017 issue of the prestigious Journal of American Medical Association provide concrete data that women create better outcomes than men in the medical field. The study reports concluded that patients treated by female physicians were significantly more likely to have longer survival rates and less readmission rates than those treated by male physicians in the same hospital.

Women are playing a far greater role in interpreting the books that shape and regulate our lives i.e. religious and legal texts. One such respected expert on religion, British author Karen Armstrong is a delight to read and her vast knowledge is breath-taking. In her book titled Fields of Blood she makes a compelling argument that religion does not foster violence, it is man’s inherent aggression that surfaces, which can sometimes be tempered by religion.
Were we to focus more on the healing properties of religion rather than the differences between them, what a joyous world it would be! More of women’s voices, thoughts and interpretation of constitutional and religious texts would benefit society greatly.

Issues pertaining to the private lives of people are being meaningfully discussed and people are not being left to simply ‘accept their fate ‘. Especially when those deciding the fate of others are extremely unjust.For example, the one-sided practice of instantaneous or triple talaq, which caused grief to many women, is being legally examined by the Supreme Court of India. What is refreshing is that women citizens and groups themselves took the important step of publicly highlighting the inherent injustices in this practice.

At a more general level the very basis of marriage is being questioned in greater depth. More attention is being paid to the worldwide scourge of child marriage.
Marriage after the age of 18 enables them to enjoy childhood in full, gain self- confidence and be mature parents. Higher quality parenting leads to stable, calmer and more confident adults in the next generation. Also being questioned is the age difference in marriage for men and women. Indian law for example gives one sex an age advantage of three years (21 years for men and 18 for women) over the other. This is not conducive to equality.It leads to greater domination by the male partner. Earlier disruption of women’s studies leads to lower qualifications at work and other imbalances follow, such as lesser pay. It may likely contribute to domestic violence.

Where women’s issues were once prised gently out from under the carpet, today they are placed boldly at the forefront. Due to the relentless efforts of all those who are working passionately for a more equal society, there is some reason to celebrate. However, the road ahead is long and arduous and far more ‘dismantling’ remains to be achieved.

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Women deserve better choices

The Statesman, April 10, 2017


I read a wonderful article on shelter homes in Afghanistan by Rafia Zakaria some days ago. What really struck me was her observation that though the shelters had been a boon for many suffering women, this thought was often not echoed by the local men as they felt that providing such a refuge contributed to fostering ‘disobedience ‘ in women. If women did not have these alternatives, they would more likely ‘conform’.

In a world where a woman’s happiness is not high priority, ‘alternatives’ is a word that fills you with the promise of hope. It suggests a plethora of choices. It reveals another way of doing things, of taking ‘the road less travelled by’ as described by the poet Robert Frost in his beautiful poem. This brings us to the question of how to create more alternatives for women, to enable a greater number to realize their potential and lead a better quality of life.

Here are diverse examples of some imaginative alternatives created for women: Day long crèches for labourers’ children are run by the NGO, Mobile Crèches. At these centers, typically close to construction sites, labourers can leave their children in safe hands while they work. There are teachers who educate the older children and caregivers who ensure that the babies stay well fed and healthy. The labourers can work sans worry and the family can enjoy the benefits of a double income as the mother does not have to mind the kids throughout the day.

Some companies have Vishaka guidelines in the workplace i.e. they have well established procedures for dealing with sexual harassment. This commitment to creating an enabling environment for women attracts more women to jobs and thus makes them eligible for a salary.

Similarly, making safe transport arrangements for women at night gives them the option to work late shifts The national airline, Air India, recently decided to allocate an area of seating for women exclusively on their flights. This was because some women felt uncomfortable when co- passengers leaned onto them or misbehaved in other ways.
The step was controversial; some welcomed it, and some saw it as being regressive in that it segregated the sexes further. It was, however, a gesture full of kind intent - a move to create an alternative for women who were afraid to speak up publicly if harassed by a copassenger.

Similarly, there are an increasing numbers of choices for rural folk as well: like self help citizens’ groups where local community members support each other. Sometimes, just providing safe, concrete, enclosed toilets is all it takes to make a place conducive to a woman to spend long hours there.

Despite such initiatives, there is a long way to go, and women especially, need the creation of several more alternatives so that they are not compelled to lead a life of deprivation, unfulfilled potential and misery.

Here are some suggestions, of which some are already in place but unutilised fully and some which can be worked upon. One of the most important alternatives we need to tap in a big way and institutionalise is a safe lifelong shelter each one of us is born with: our parental home.
All parents must be sensitised to offer this universal alternative to their daughters, throughout their lives. If they can share their houses with their son and his family, what prevents them from doing so with their daughter? Many women put up with an abusive husband because they have nowhere to turn to. I am not sure why we keep looking for shelter homes for survivors of domestic violence when they have living parents. It is also surprising why parents would let social pressures cloud the fiercest love in nature - parental love?

Similarly, women need concrete ways to be able to stand on their own feet.
To this end, companies and chambers of commerce can step in. Instead of allocating funds for various CSR projects, they can instead reserve 5 per cent jobs for vulnerable women or those in need of shelters. Such a gesture is an excellent investment for the company too. It gives more permanent rehabilitation to a human being than a temporary project may provide and once such persons are back on their feet, they are grateful to the company and likely to exhibit long term loyalty.

Sometimes all women need is some advice from a more experienced person. To this end, the sarpanches in villages can organize the elderly women in the villages to offer a shoulder for the younger women to lean on emotionally. It will make the older women feel useful rather than feeling neglected/abandoned as they often are, and the youngsters, who are under-confident when faced with the uncertainties of life, will be more secure.
This mentor-mentee team will be well suited to face the vicissitudes of local life.

 In urban centres, more professional help is available. Several mental health counseling centers give free services to those who are depressed, like the reputed Sanjivani. Some religions have in- built methods for the lightening of mental loads.
The Christian system of confessionals, for example, served a great purpose. It was a place where you could pour out your deepest guilt and be assured it would be kept confidential.

The most impactful changes would be at the government level - the re-allocation of resources in a big way for citizens.
Several gender resource centres in the capital were shut down recently for lack of funds for paying the staff. This already existing infrastructure should be speedily revived. The women’s representation bill which is pending in Parliament for over 20 years, if passed now, will justly and fairly allow more women to participate in running the country and establishing important rules (about their own as well as others’) welfare.

The task of creating social options for women may appear uphill at times, but an easy way to start is by helping any woman close to you multiply her choices. Each new path created together makes it easier for someone else to walk in that direction. Over time, a tiny path becomes a road well travelled.