Seeking Space For Conversation

The Statesman, Aug 15 , 2019

When growing up, one of the simple joys of life was talking: long, animated, often uninhibited exchanges punctuated by smiles, laughter, gasps or even silence.  A friend was someone you could talk to about everything under the sun. I remember sitting up late at night conversing with friends till sleep overtook us, or discussing ideas passionately over a single long drawn out cup of coffee in a restaurant where the waiters thought it more important to let friends talk rather than earn an extra buck with a new set of customers.  People talked, argued, laughed, reasoned, teased, cajoled, and admonished. The act of talking was a relief, if not an outright pleasure.

Although we are in the midst of an explosion of social media, this unfettered, meaningful communication seems to be difficult to achieve. The reach of our conversation has increased, but its quality and our satisfaction has reduced.

Much of the talking that was done face - to- face is now over social media apps. A lot of the warmth and the nuances of good conversation, the non - verbal cues are lost in the exchange. This leads to greater miscommunication and misunderstandings as the expressions and tone cannot always be correctly inferred. Communication on social media thrives on brevity as attention spans are limited. Excellent conversationalists suddenly find themselves challenged by the need to constantly abbreviate and summarize. Some are not technically conversant with tools on social media and have a limited understanding of emoticons thus making their conversations sound sterile and robotic.

We now focus far too much on the speakers’ background and affiliation and too little on the content of the speech. Suspicion runs deep in today’s polarized world and distrust abounds. Recently, when the question arose of whether doctoral dissertations in universities should come under political scrutiny it led to a justified public debate. On one hand was the academics’ view that being experienced, they could better identify the critical and in-depth studies needed in their field of expertise. On the other hand were politicians who wanted to put their stamp on academia by allowing funding for only those theses which they deemed to be of ‘national importance’. Such citizens that simply just debated this topic were deemed to be anti -government. Similar conundrums have existed for ages: for example, should scientists who have a deeper understanding of the subject decide climate change policies or should politicians? Most conversation now has acquired a political flavor. People are uncomfortable plumbing the depths of a topic as what they say is made out to have a deeper political meaning, even if none exists.

Conversations are open to a large group of people and this attracts trolls also. These trolls disrupt meaningful conversations. If at first the trolls do not succeed, their involvement with the conversation becomes increasingly abusive and hostile till the speaker is either forced to defend himself or get angry and distracted or simply block/report the troll. The end result is that the original idea gets totally deflected, lost in an obfuscating smoke of negativity. It also makes one very uneasy to find that one’s conversations are monitored.

There exists a conversational overload. If you subscribe to several platforms like Face book, Whatsapp, Instagram etc, a substantial amount of your time could be taken up in interacting with friends or colleagues or just anyone else who may have posted something that catches your attention. In attending to too many conversations at the same time, we are unable to let a worthwhile conversation blossom. 

Finally, it is difficult to converse with the many ‘anonymous ‘people ubiquitous in every group. In ordinary conversations on social groups, it is not easy to talk as naturally and freely as one would like to as there remains an air of formality with strangers - nameless, faceless individuals who would also end up getting addressed in the conversation. 

Given these challenges to wholesome conversations, there is a great deal to be said about engaging in good old face - to - face interactions more frequently. Also in order to have a more meaningful conversation, conversing in smaller groups on WhatsApp is better, where the thread is not lost due to random forwards. Larger groups should be used for professional discussions and invitations to programmes or putting out useful information for the public at large.

In bygone times, it was known as the Art of Conversation, where the personality of the persons engaging in conversation shone through. The joy of a deep conversation, in a safe environment with the right people is almost therapeutic- it is satisfying, stimulating, and rejuvenating. Nowadays people always seem to be in a rush so conversations are also getting abbreviated. Into the realm of healthy discussions there have crept in undesirable changes reflective of the times we live in .So is there not some innovative way of reclaiming the art of good conversation and rediscovering its lost joy?

Everything Counts

As a child I held this rather unshakeable theory that God is inherently fair. If He/She let trouble come a person’s way, it was certain to be compensated by rewards later, evening it out. God also likely allocated resources equally. On the surface, if a particular child seemed luckier than others in terms of intelligence or material resources, they were probably facing their own battles in other spheres, unknown to the rest. Philosophical adults that we encountered taught us that monetary wealth cannot buy happiness and true riches pertain to intangible things like the soul, joy and friendship.

As an adult, I ponder more about this equality and try to put my finger on what it is that we as people have been granted in equal measure? We are all blessed with an outer casing, the body; but the makeup industry, the busy offices of plastic surgeons and the touched up photographs on social media testify to common dissatisfaction with what we have been given. Advancing age with all its physical changes only compounds this. Under this shell, is the core essence of a person – the soul. Though all our souls are supposedly derived from a universal divine soul, how deeply we are in touch with this soul whilst alive, is a matter of conjecture. True equality comes with death - when our souls are believed to merge back with the original common one.

If equality inheres in us, there must in all likelihood be at least a faint hint of this possibility if not an overt phenotypical manifestation during our sojourn on Earth.

The well-regarded scientific study by Dr Paul Ekman and Wallace Friesen conducted over four decades found a universality of facial expressions for the basic human emotions irrespective of race, culture, geographical location and literacy. This had originally been predicted by Charles Darwin and interestingly, they had initially thought that Darwin would be proved wrong! Humans use the same facial muscles to convey basic emotions like anger, happiness, shock etc .This holds true even for remote tribes that have never been in contact with humans from outside (in Ekman and Friesen’s case they studied the Fore tribe of Papua, New Guinea). Cultural and circumstantial influences may mask or modify expressions but the underlying facial muscles called into play when experiencing a particular basic emotion, are the same.

Does this also mean we are fundamentally equal in our ability to communicate? If we consider a spectrum of people ranging from those with various types of autism, those with personality traits like introversion, to orators speaking effortlessly to vast audiences, we find that this particular skill is differentially distributed. A subgroup of this may be our ability to smile. We all acquire this fine social tool after a few weeks of settling into the world as newborns. The smile of a baby is adorable even though it may lack teeth. But those who have facial paralysis or Parkinson’s disease for example, can only convey their joy through the expression in their eyes.

Is it the ability to love and be loved? Love is one of the finest, most exhilarating and nuanced emotions. Though there are several of its variants to indulge in, ranging from parental to filial to romantic, yet sadly one finds hatred to be a strong driver for many people and love gets consigned to the shadows. Or is it the ability to feel per se that homogenizes us? We find that many of us are losing this capacity and being ‘thick skinned’ is becoming a common enough adjective.

Does drawing breath render us equal? As long as we are alive, we all breathe. Spiritually advanced persons and those who practice yoga regularly often have an impressive control over their breathing. For the rest of us, our breathing quickens and slows in tandem with our moods and activities and we don’t really have mastery over it.

I intuitively think what really makes us equal is our ability to contribute to shaping the world. We are all assistant co - creators. Speaking metaphorically, the world is like an enormous clay mound waiting to become a beautiful vessel on the Potter’s wheel - an analogy often used in religious works. Building on this, I feel while the Master Potter (God) keeps the base spinning we all add our imprints to this mound of clay representing Earth. It is so huge that we get glimpses of only a part of it.

Everyone is equally important because everyone shapes the world. Each human is special; he/she interprets the universe through an individual outlook derived from influences of parents, teachers and friends and life’s myriad experiences. Hence the output is also customized.

Every action, effort or powerful thought acts like a touch or pat on the clay. Whether we lovingly shape it or punch holes in it is entirely our choice. We can throw on more clay or gently chisel away some based on our perception and energy. It doesn't matter because sometimes it is a rough edge that makes the design stunning or a subtle touch that makes a significant improvement.

Occasionally the patterns are so exquisite that everyone sits up and takes notice.

The impact of our actions can be localized or globalised and independent of the public position we hold. The students participating in the March for Life campaign in the US or the little Swedish schoolgirl, Greta Thunberg, fighting for climate change protection, have demonstrated that you don’t have to occupy a high office to effect great change.

We can condition ourselves to be engaged and creative assistant potters. Masterpieces executed by painters, sculptors and other artistes are treasures lasting centuries. Social workers facilitate upliftment of many humans less fortunate than themselves, enabling and empowering them to make meaningful contributions in turn - a positive ripple effect.

You can even shape the world by just being. As Milton said in the concluding line of his famous poem ‘they also serve who only stand and wait’. A baby is totally dependent, able to interact in a very limited way with its environment; yet can have a tremendously powerful effect. He/she can generate love, and can influence the work and lifestyle choices of parents and family significantly.

Everything counts.

To come back to my childhood belief, it would be reasonable to assume that the invitation to shape the world is open to all. We cannot at all judge whose contribution is lesser or greater as we do not know the Grand Design. Moreover the shape keeps changing a little every second. Our mind’s eye aided by our imaginations, can only guess at the overall shape. Many religious texts including the popular Srimad Bhagavad Gita, advise us to refrain from worrying needlessly how our contribution fared overall. It is perhaps more important to fully and responsibly enjoy this privilege we have received.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

 The Statesman, August 9


Since it was introduced to the world in 2009, WhatsApp has become one of the more popular messaging apps with an estimated 1.5 billion users worldwide.
It was acquired by Facebook in 2014, an event which seems to have resulted in a massive spurt in the number of users in India. Currently, there are around 200 million WhatsApp users in India, of which more than 50 per cent are from rural areas.

Recent lynchings of five people suspected to be child-lifters by a mob in Maharashtra were sparked by a rumour circulating on WhatsApp. This generated much debate about this messenger service.
The Indian Electronics and Information Technology ministry asked Facebook Inc (which owns WhatsApp) to find ways by which they can curb transmission of irresponsible messages.

I believe that putting external curbs on this particular medium may not be a sound or practical idea. Here’s why:

To my mind, someone inclined to spread a rumour, create a ruckus or induce a riot, will do so by any means at their disposal. It could be through public or private meetings, sermons, lectures, Facebook and other social media sites, YouTube videos, loudspeakers, pamphlets, in fact anything in the firmament.

Violence has been an integral part of mankind’s existence since millennia. So has gossip. As have rumours. Social media is a fairly recent entrant into the list of human preoccupations.
On the Indian continent we witnessed the carnage of partition with thousands of lynchings. Millions of refugees worldwide will tell you of the atrocities that have been committed on them.
Human greed, intolerance, a lust for power and money and divisiveness are to blame. Social media is merely a communication tool. One does not need mass phone aided mobilisation to lynch a man or even a small group. A few barbaric citizens will suffice.

Humans have been communicating through sign language, through drumbeats in forests and mountains, Morse codes, smoke signals and several other ingenious ways.
How can you prevent human beings from communicating with each other? History is replete with examples of ‘underground’ resistance movements. There was no social media in those days. Decrying WhatsApp will only make users switch to another format.

The app itself is really well designed in that one can share messages, videos, attachments, photos, rendering it quite complete in itself. There is end to end encryption which means that no third person can view a message including the service provider.
There are no distracting advertisements. Being so easy to use makes it an effective communication tool for villagers and an apt app for facilitating a ‘ digital India’. It is currently a free service.
There are options to mute or block a number, exit a group, delete a group, delete a message within seconds. It is very self-regulatory. Users can actively choose to ignore or not forward a rabble-rousing message or one can call it out publicly or report Spam.

WhatsApp features allow a large degree of privacy as well as autonomy. It is contemplated that WhatsApp can be a payment portal in the near future as well as a safety app as geographical location is pinpointed.

Attempts to ‘sanitize’ the conversation by having all posts filtered through an administrator on WhatsApp create practical and ethical dilemmas. People would not be able to communicate swiftly and meaningfully in real time as there would be a time lag – related to the availability of the administrator.
The administrators themselves may have personal biases or lack discretion. This post of being an arbiter of conversations, by its very nature would have to perforce be a full time job. If not compensated, the job’s fairly thankless nature would have few takers. The moment it becomes a paid job, it would then be liable to be controlled by those rendering the payment as often happens in the classic editor-owner ideological/ethical clashes of print media.
In the past, an idea was mooted, to hold the group administrator accountable for any inappropriate posts on that group. This suggestion is bizarre because nobody can determine beforehand what is on a person’s mind.
People are invited to a group because they form part of a particular cohort: say people who work together, or have studied together, etc. To try to first filter out who would be welcome in the group based on their leanings and personalities attacks the very foundation of healthy interaction – a multi-faceted, inclusive and rich dialogue.
Moreover, people’s opinions, likes and dislikes change with time. Sometimes, an otherwise very responsible citizen may be unable to maintain their cyber composure under emotional duress. Above all, the truth needs to be told.
It is critical that everyone who has attained adulthood be deemed responsible for their own thoughts and actions. To burden a third party with this responsibility seems to completely absolve the author of an unsuitable post of their duties and instead targets an innocent bystander – administrator/medium instead.

Misuse of social mediums across the board has often resulted in disastrous consequences. Examples include the Blue Whale internet game driving teenagers to suicide, or stalkers and paedophiles on Facebook (using information voluntarily provided by users themselves) or the notorious ‘trolling’ on Twitter.
Recently our own external affairs minister was openly and abusively trolled on Twitter. Astonishingly the government was relatively silent and low key in its defense of their own minister. It was citizens who tried to come to her rescue.

In these times, when a large section of the print and TV media is perceived by many to be deeply influenced by the government, the viability of alternate channels of communication between citizens is imperative. WhatsApp has an important role to play.
Though there are many fabricated videos which aim to spread hate or falsely discredit someone, some such videos are deliberately introduced to obfuscate things and discredit the medium itself. To make people doubt the validity of some of the horrific but true things they see and prevent them from reporting it or taking useful action.
To counteract this trend, there are now helpful tutorials available which educate people on how to spot a doctored video. The bottom line remains that individuals must have the self-discipline to not share a video which is not from a trusted source or which contains inflammatory material.
There are already reporting methods in place to report cyber abuse or misuse of cyberspace though guidelines can be made more clear-cut. One can highlight it electronically to the office of the app provider as well as register a FIR with the cybercrime units of local police stations.
The company office can debar the accused individual from using this medium. The company often needs to do a balancing act between enabling freedom of speech and increasing user base versus conscience and social responsibility.
The company can further report them to police officials. The local police can apply any section of the Indian penal Code as relevant and have the person booked.

In conclusion, people themselves should show a low level of tolerance for divisive or incendiary posts on WhatsApp, calling out the person or reporting them to authorities.
We can come to each other’s rescue on any medium when someone is being bullied, or ourselves attempt to combat and thwart rumour mongering by ignorant or ill motivated people. Try as we may, if we are to be intellectually honest, we cannot pass the buck for our shortcomings onto a messaging app.

The writer is a Delhi-based medical practitioner.

A Many Splendoured Thing

 The Statesman, April 2018


The importance of love has never been greater. Our world is wracked with violence, stress, indiscipline and diminishing resources. Exploitation, intolerance and domination abound. What the world needs is a thorough immersion in this uplifting, peace-engendering and unifying emotion.

Lauded by prophets and poets alike, love’s positive power can transform people. In the earlier days, alchemists strove to convert base metals into gold. Love can be a superb catalyst, fostering a higher sense of purpose in us and protecting us from being driven by greed, profiteering and lust.
What makes love so potent?

The world is changing at a dizzyingly rapid pace. Love, in contrast, has a reassuring constancy about it. The eternal nature of love has been described in myriad writings and art forms. A passage from the Bible says, “Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away”. A Shakespearean sonnet asserts – “It looks on tempests and is never shaken.’’ Love is well suited to address the deep human longing for permanence.

Intolerance is the bane of our existence today; love teaches us acceptance. Persons with whom we form the most valuable relationships in our lives, our parents and children, are not chosen by us. They are blessings in human form placed on earth for us to love. Parental love is exemplary for its unconditional nature. Parents gladly sacrifice career advancements, personal choices and even their very lives for their children.

As children, we have only our ignorance, mischief and love to offer – but parents and teachers accept these as precious compensation for imparting knowledge to us. When we encounter cruelty, exploitation, discrimination and selfishness in the world, we would do well to remember the love learnt from these early childhood interactions. Love helps us engage more deeply with others. It encourages sacrifice and an ability to see things from another’s perspective. Love unarguably elevates the quality of human interaction.

Love can foster relationships between even greatly dissimilar individuals. Rather than inducing us to make a careful appraisal of the qualities, qualifications and faults of a person, love appeals directly to our intuition. Love just happens. There is scant premeditation. Were we to always choose whom we associate with based on a rigorous calculation of abilities, background or similarities it would be more like a job interview for choosing an employee.

Were it not for the confounding effect of love, people would marry or befriend others less often. Most would keep glancing at their exacting list of desirable qualities and hesitate to take a step forward towards a relationship. Luckily for humans, along comes love and makes every imperfection likeable (as the saying goes “no one is perfect – until you are in love with them”), any circumstance tolerable and any set of people very happy together. The expression ‘I just can’t put my finger on what I really like about him/her’ beautifully illustrates the slight confusion that can ensue when people are asked to justify their choice. Love is just a wonderful feeling that switches on when a person you are fond of appears in your presence.

Love awakens spirituality as it sharpens our ability to perceive things keenly. We feel far more alert and enabled to experience first-hand the ‘duality’ of the universe that wise sages speak of. We find ourselves able to juggle opposing feelings at the same time – freedom (we feel validated and empowered) and bondage (as we close our options and modify our behavior somewhat in deference to the persons we care for); strength (we acquire loyal supporters) and vulnerability (as the people we love have a hold over our happiness) and so on.

As a race, only our love for ‘Gaia’, mother earth, may stem the current tide of destructive habits. With forests and animal species disappearing at an alarming rate and garbage and plastic swamping our overheated world, our acts of love for nature become crucial for our collective survival. From concerned environmentalists and scientists like Cousteau, Rachel Carson, Carl Sagan, M.S Swaminathan, to the modest fishermen or farmers who love the land they make a living from, all play a significant role in preserving ‘Gaia’.

Large-scale social movements based on love such as the Bhakti movement which originated in India underlined the equality of man. This popular trend which advocated devotional love for the Almighty considered all devotees equal irrespective of caste or creed. The sincerity of intent was the truly relevant criterion. Inclusive participation and commonality of single-minded purpose are prominent hallmarks of current movements arising out of a love for humanity such as the ‘March for Life’ protest against civilian-owned firearms or the global fight for nuclear disarmament.

Where can love be found? Everywhere. I find love in the simple everyday things; when my children gift me a box scribbled with bits of paper about why they like me and ask me to pull out one whenever I am sad; when my spouse sits up chatting with me at night about my worries; when my mother actually reads an entire medical textbook to teach me something I didn’t grasp or my father gives us tips on health; when patients run their hand over my head in blessing; when friends and siblings accept me just as I am and laugh with me over enjoyable lunches; when my pet anxiously sniffs my sleeping body if I wake up later than usual; in the treasure trove of wonderful memories bequeathed to me by my grandparents.

How do we create an abundance of this important emotion? By practising it frequently. From a smile or a helping hand to a personal gesture or sacrifice, there are countless ways to express love. As the advertisement for a popular drink goes “Do your own thing”. Love should also be talked about often; not just the sensational aspects – lovers’ plans thwarted by narrow-minded groups or the romantic linkages of famous people but also meaningful discussions to understand love’s many nuances as well as it’s great worth. A priceless letter to read is the Red Indian Chief, Chief Seattle’s letter to the ‘White man’ which describes his tribe’s immense love for nature.

More protean manifestations of love should be recognized and appreciated, such as a scientist devoting his life to save a species from extinction or small children sharing their meagre but precious assets of marbles and chocolates with their friends or love-filled letters written by people to each other and so on. We should allow love to be the dominant emotion infusing our thoughts. If we have to leave behind any mark of our sojourn here on earth, let it be the stamp of love.

The writer is a Delhi-based medical practitioner.

The Virtues of Vices

 The Statesman, Sunday, 28 January



In religious discourses, we often hear that the five vices we should avoid are Kam (lust), Krodh (anger), Lobh (greed), Moh (attachment) and Ahankar (ego).

However, these emotions are as natural as love and friendship. A wonderful book by renowned psychologist, Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes, titled Women who run with the Wolves made the point that many of the psychological problems in women – and to a lesser extent in men, stemmed from the fact that society discouraged them from expressing themselves in a natural way.

There were a great number of impositions and codes of behavior laid down and adhering to the more rigid of these artificial impositions created psychological stress and complexes in women. The onus of conducting themselves correctly – and these notions of correctness were often spelt out by men – was disproportionately loaded against women.

Nature and science place a lot of emphasis on homeostasis and balance for optimum functioning of an organism. Even spiritual texts extol the benefits of moderation. The ‘middle path’ is well highlighted in Buddhism as are a balance of Yin/Yang in Daoism.

Though there is a fair amount of emphasis on overcoming ‘negative’ emotions and subduing them to a great extent, I personally believe, like many others do, in a beautiful balance of forces being the key to a healthy life. Not accepting these qualities as positive contributors to our psyche and health may actually lead to imbalances. I feel these five emotions have a very important role to play in our lives and their worth cannot be ignored.

Let us examine some of these emotions:

Look at the feelings of very young children. Innocent children sound nothing but sweet when their sense of envy with their sibling makes them tell their parents accusingly ’you love him/her more!’ Or just watch the way your little pet jumps onto your lap and places its snout into your hand when you are talking to your children lovingly. It seems to say, ‘it’s my turn- play with me now, not with them!’ This pure and clean form of envy and desire doesn’t seem unhealthy in a child or a pet. It acts as a signal to the parent that the child is merely seeking reassurance.
The parents are often able to successfully provide this reassurance and this leads to a feeling of security and confidence in the child. If the child did not express these feelings, it may end up feeling quietly hopeless in its own mind. Conversely, if parents and caregivers communicate with the child and proffer reassurance, it is more likely to grow up to be a fairly confident and secure adult.

Attraction or attachment to a person you love can be quite healthy in moderation. Thinking about others and their welfare is a highly desirable emotion. Putting others before self is a rare quality, not easily found in the atmosphere of selfishness prevalent today. Moreover, at a community level, it is extremely important for the community and for its members to be interested and engaged deeply with one another. It is a true manifestation of the spirit of ‘the world is one family’. It is also far better than being obsessed with oneself.

When one is asked to look inward, it is more with the idea of examining one’s shortcomings, recognising them and working to eliminate them. Sadly, many are not able to cross the first step itself and ‘looking inwards’ tends to merely veer towards narcissism.

Similarly, anger can be an excellent watchdog in alerting a person to the need for self-defense. It is usually thoughtless or unkind actions or disappointments that evoke this in us. We can use anger as a valuable guide and catalyst that spurs us to action. I often think that women have taken Gandhiji’s advice of ‘turning the other cheek’ more seriously than their male counterparts.

They should stand up for themselves and others more often when confronted with abuse and unkindness. Anger, if interpreted and controlled correctly can be an excellent stimulus for goading one towards working for social justice, for making things right.

It was the anger of a nation when Nirbhaya was so brutally gang raped, that led to sweeping changes in the way sexual assault was viewed and handled in our country. It is anger at the prevalent patriarchy that has led to a sustained movement for equal representation of men and women in the Indian parliament for a full 21 years (though the goal is currently unattained). One must not quickly flare up in anger, and not be consumed by it certainly, but it is an excellent red flag – an internal indicator that drives change.

David Steindl Rast, a modern philosopher of our times has eloquently pointed out in his book ‘The Listening Heart – the Spirituality of Sacred Sensuousness’ that spirituality and austerity do not necessarily go hand in hand and we must celebrate our ability to appreciate the richness of experiences, sensual ones included.

Excess of anything is bad, even perhaps virtue. I would, however, make an exception for love and friendship. I feel strongly and sincerely that one can never have enough of both of these!

Accepting our emotions fully and releasing them in a controlled manner may be healthy in the long run. Avoidance of these so-called negative emotions may lead to their erupting suddenly and unexpectedly in unsatisfactory ways.

The writer is a Delhi-based medical practitioner.

A magical evening from a few years ago.....

I can’t fully recreate the magic of the evening for you but let me describe it a bit.

The setting was in the beautiful town hall in old Delhi whose lawns were looking resplendent, decorated with wires containing lights. The surrounding trees were also similarly decked up. There was a trellis of diyas forming a backdrop for the stage at one end of the large garden.

During Talat Aziz’s performance, his singing was plagued by a malfunctioning sound system but he graciously acknowledged that what was missing on the technical side was more than compensated for by the warmth of the audience …

After that it was the turn of the famous Wadali brothers..

Their full throated ,crystal clear voices were mesmerizing and the thoughts they shared through their Sufi songs were beautiful …I am enumerating a few of  them….

On oneness/unity…

“Alas…people adhere largely to their own places of worship.. the Hindus don’t enter mosques and the Muslims don’t enter temples…better than all of us mankind are birds… for they flock to one building (mosque), then soon alight on another (mandir) without any discrimination…”

“People construct houses of worship…then set about excluding folks from them… Hindus are declared infidels at mosques.. Muslims are declared infidels at temples.. It is suggested that instead of building these, build liquor bars (maikhanas)…they are the most inclusive places at these, even infidels are not considered infidels…”

(you can imagine how appealing this thought is- large scale construction of bars- to certain people in the audience.:))

Love makes the world go round/ supremacy of love…

“God, inspired by Majnu’s devotion to Laila, sends an angel to summon him upstairs for a meeting. Majnu does not wish to be disturbed in his musings of Laila (so what if the summons come from none other than God)….He tells the angel to give this message to God that if God desires to meet me , he must come down to earth in the guise of Laila only then will I entertain him…

Some tell Majnu .. “you like this woman Laila but she is fairly dark…how do you find her beautiful ?”

He says “ beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder…anyone who finds her dark basically has a veil of darkness over their eyes which make them perceive all that they behold as dark !”

“And in any case , light and dark, what of them ? Why, the pages of the holy books are white and Gods message to us, his own words on them, are in dark black ink”…

Who is a really good Muslim…

“Not one who does the Hajj or does Namaz and Wuzu umpteen times a day…it is the man who can rub some salve on another’s wound and alleviate some measure of their pain…”

One of the most beautiful moments was their rendition of the famous Dama dam mast kalandar (first popularized by Runa Laila).

 Explanation/background for the third para of this song…(char charag tere balan hamesha..may four lamps always burn…)

One day the fakir (mast kalandar) was meditating under a ber (fruit) tree. Some hungry schoolboys started pelting the tree with stones. The first two throws resulted in tasty bers for them to eat, but the third stone hit the fakir instead. He shouted angrily “who has disturbed my prayers, tell me the name and I will curse them!”

The boys said “ we will tell you…but first we wish to make an observation on contrasting styles…when we hit the tree with stones, it gave us fruit…when you were hit with a stone what do you offer ?”

The fakir was amused and delighted with the children’s statement . He said that not only would he not curse but , additionally, they could ask him for any three wishes.

They said they wanted his forgiveness. He pressed them to ask for anything, anything at all ,yet they said all they wanted was for him to forgive them.

Once again, he was very touched by their answer and told them they were forgiven, always, in this world and the one above (dono jahan)..

The kids also gave him their good wishes saying that may the fakir be always remembered (it is worth noting that only saints/fakirs have candles lit at their tombs not rich men nor famous men) and lamps always lit at his tomb…..(char charag tere..)

There was much more but these thoughts have remained firmly etched in my mind....

Reading between lines of inequity

 Statesman August 2017

As a medical practitioner with a keen interest in gender-related social work, I often end up counselling patients on social challenges they may be facing.
This is because people commonly open up to doctors about various aspects of their lives, since a doctor is usually seen as a neutral and sympathetic professional. Apart from clear cut medico legal cases, one often senses that things are not right, when for example, a bruise is unexplained, even though the patient may not be forthcoming about the background history.

Here’s a glimpse of what I sometimes read between the lines when patients come to me:

Occasionally, I get a parent who winds up the description of his small daughter’s ailment and his concern about her future with this sentence “after all, Dr Sahib, she belongs to the tribe of girls”. In my mind I can immediately sense the pall of gloom in the parents’ thoughts and my heart goes out silently to the little girl.

I try to visualize the environment this child must be growing up in. An innocent little girl, carefree by nature, brought up in surroundings where everyone around is acutely aware that she belongs to the ‘tribe of girls’ and the implications that go along with it.One can imagine that her parents and relatives are careworn and weary; uncomfortable with the burden of bringing up a female child. They feel weighed down about being responsible for her safety in a world of rapacious men and perhaps falling into financial debt at a later stage when the girl is to be married.The father probably magnifies it all in his mind and drinks away his sorrows. Usually the presence of a small child invokes a feeling of indulgence in the hearts of adults nearby and the child senses that affection.
Imagine a child that grows up in an environment where it feels that its presence is contributing towards triggering anxiety in the mind of adults. Such a child is bound to have low self-esteem, feelings of anxiety transmitted from the parents as well as all sorts of complexes.


The father needs support and counseling as well. He does not have the maturity and acceptance or even the confidence that he can be an adequate father.Social ills like dowry affect men in equal measure since men are usually the ones who have to pay the huge financial sums involved in dowry transactions and this can easily land them in debt. So, for the father, it is emotional as well as financial anxiety.It needs to be defined and taught as to what sort of environment is to be created at home so that the child can truly blossom and reach its full potential.

 Likewise, a whole lot of thoughts flip through my mind when an illiterate woman comes for an eye check up and the husband condescendingly says ‘she cannot read”. It is sad to know that the woman is usually the only such individual in the family, as the children go to school and are getting an education.I often ask the family outright why they cannot take time out from their studies/ retired life respectively and teach her for just half an hour every day. They themselves would be surprised at how easily adults pick up reading and writing. Last year, on Mother’s day, we had run a small campaign to try and encourage children to teach their mothers.We tried to co-opt principals to facilitate this. People focus on educating the young but why should a generation of adult women be condemned to illiteracy?

Recently, a lady came to me and begged me to attend to her quickly otherwise she would get a scolding from her mother-in-law for staying out too long. I was incredulous; how could her mother-in-law assume that she would hang around longer at the doctor’s intentionally?
The lady further narrated how she had wanted to show her children and herself for a long time but was not encouraged to leave the house nor did anyone in the joint family agree to accompany her to the doctor.
This upset me on several counts. Firstly, in the mother-in-law’s overwhelming desire to dominate the daughter-in-law and curb her activities, the children’s health was being overlooked. In the larger context I thought about how the family system can end up exploiting women. It seems that men have three tiers of help – the domestic staff, the wife and often the doting parents, as in joint families, the married couple stays in the boy’s house. In the case of a lady she often has only the support of the domestic staff, or in some cases, no support at all. What is painful is that whatever little energy she has, goes into fending off an unwelcome and often patriarchal environment.
It never ceases to amaze me, that even with these multiple layers of support, men earn more and are lauded for their achievements whereas keeping the relatively limited resources of the woman in mind, it is her victories that are all the more commendable.Women do a lot of balancing between chores, children and professional duties and it can lead to mental and physical stress.In contrast, men often focus on just their professional work. Yet at work, men and women have the same sort of targets which they must deliver on. In today’s world, given the complex multitasking a woman is compelled to do both at home and the office, her achievements are truly impressive.

Occasionally, there are female patients who, despite being knowledgeable and articulate, don't get a chance to speak to the doctor at all, because their well-meaning relatives just take charge and describe the woman's entire illness to the doctor. In a patriarchal society women often are suppressed and their personalities not allowed to develop.
The only place where such women can actually speak freely might likely be with their small children at home, since they don't get to socialize much. For a nation that prides itself on the garrulous and argumentative nature of its citizens, these women seem to have missed out on this mainstream pastime.

Interacting with patients on a daily basis and reflecting on what they are experiencing, brings to mind the obvious question: how do we help alleviate their problems?
There are two national debates raging currently, one on the misuse and influencing of police personnel by powerful leaders and the second on the dilution of laws protecting women.
These have highlighted how even some of the institutions created to help the public do not provide adequate succour to women in their time of need and distress. Perhaps the answer lies in ensuring there are a large numbers of women legislators in the National parliament to keep social issues pertaining to women firmly in the forefront and help solve them.