Women deserve better choices

The Statesman, April 10, 2017


I read a wonderful article on shelter homes in Afghanistan by Rafia Zakaria some days ago. What really struck me was her observation that though the shelters had been a boon for many suffering women, this thought was often not echoed by the local men as they felt that providing such a refuge contributed to fostering ‘disobedience ‘ in women. If women did not have these alternatives, they would more likely ‘conform’.

In a world where a woman’s happiness is not high priority, ‘alternatives’ is a word that fills you with the promise of hope. It suggests a plethora of choices. It reveals another way of doing things, of taking ‘the road less travelled by’ as described by the poet Robert Frost in his beautiful poem. This brings us to the question of how to create more alternatives for women, to enable a greater number to realize their potential and lead a better quality of life.

Here are diverse examples of some imaginative alternatives created for women: Day long crèches for labourers’ children are run by the NGO, Mobile Crèches. At these centers, typically close to construction sites, labourers can leave their children in safe hands while they work. There are teachers who educate the older children and caregivers who ensure that the babies stay well fed and healthy. The labourers can work sans worry and the family can enjoy the benefits of a double income as the mother does not have to mind the kids throughout the day.

Some companies have Vishaka guidelines in the workplace i.e. they have well established procedures for dealing with sexual harassment. This commitment to creating an enabling environment for women attracts more women to jobs and thus makes them eligible for a salary.

Similarly, making safe transport arrangements for women at night gives them the option to work late shifts The national airline, Air India, recently decided to allocate an area of seating for women exclusively on their flights. This was because some women felt uncomfortable when co- passengers leaned onto them or misbehaved in other ways.
The step was controversial; some welcomed it, and some saw it as being regressive in that it segregated the sexes further. It was, however, a gesture full of kind intent - a move to create an alternative for women who were afraid to speak up publicly if harassed by a copassenger.

Similarly, there are an increasing numbers of choices for rural folk as well: like self help citizens’ groups where local community members support each other. Sometimes, just providing safe, concrete, enclosed toilets is all it takes to make a place conducive to a woman to spend long hours there.

Despite such initiatives, there is a long way to go, and women especially, need the creation of several more alternatives so that they are not compelled to lead a life of deprivation, unfulfilled potential and misery.

Here are some suggestions, of which some are already in place but unutilised fully and some which can be worked upon. One of the most important alternatives we need to tap in a big way and institutionalise is a safe lifelong shelter each one of us is born with: our parental home.
All parents must be sensitised to offer this universal alternative to their daughters, throughout their lives. If they can share their houses with their son and his family, what prevents them from doing so with their daughter? Many women put up with an abusive husband because they have nowhere to turn to. I am not sure why we keep looking for shelter homes for survivors of domestic violence when they have living parents. It is also surprising why parents would let social pressures cloud the fiercest love in nature - parental love?

Similarly, women need concrete ways to be able to stand on their own feet.
To this end, companies and chambers of commerce can step in. Instead of allocating funds for various CSR projects, they can instead reserve 5 per cent jobs for vulnerable women or those in need of shelters. Such a gesture is an excellent investment for the company too. It gives more permanent rehabilitation to a human being than a temporary project may provide and once such persons are back on their feet, they are grateful to the company and likely to exhibit long term loyalty.

Sometimes all women need is some advice from a more experienced person. To this end, the sarpanches in villages can organize the elderly women in the villages to offer a shoulder for the younger women to lean on emotionally. It will make the older women feel useful rather than feeling neglected/abandoned as they often are, and the youngsters, who are under-confident when faced with the uncertainties of life, will be more secure.
This mentor-mentee team will be well suited to face the vicissitudes of local life.

 In urban centres, more professional help is available. Several mental health counseling centers give free services to those who are depressed, like the reputed Sanjivani. Some religions have in- built methods for the lightening of mental loads.
The Christian system of confessionals, for example, served a great purpose. It was a place where you could pour out your deepest guilt and be assured it would be kept confidential.

The most impactful changes would be at the government level - the re-allocation of resources in a big way for citizens.
Several gender resource centres in the capital were shut down recently for lack of funds for paying the staff. This already existing infrastructure should be speedily revived. The women’s representation bill which is pending in Parliament for over 20 years, if passed now, will justly and fairly allow more women to participate in running the country and establishing important rules (about their own as well as others’) welfare.

The task of creating social options for women may appear uphill at times, but an easy way to start is by helping any woman close to you multiply her choices. Each new path created together makes it easier for someone else to walk in that direction. Over time, a tiny path becomes a road well travelled.

The compelling need for more women in parliament

Guest article on Gender Matters blog, December 2016


http://gendermatters.in/2016/12/women-in-parliament/

The most obvious reason for more women in parliament is that women make up 50% of the population but have only a limited part of the decision making share – India has 11% women parliamentarians, Asia 19.5% and the global average is 22.9% (IPU statistics 2016). Indian women thus have far to go. However there are so many other reasons to encourage women in the highest decision making bodies.

Women are deeply impacted in atrocities and social changes

In war for example, it has become a common means of mass subjugation to rape the women to break the mental resilience of the captured. The number and scale of rapes of women in armed conflict  zones in the world is staggering.

Revolutionary militants often use women as bargaining chips. In 2014, Boko Haram kidnapped 200 schoolgirls studying in Nigeria to use it as leverage with the Nigerian government and secure the release of Boko Haram prisoners. Only a few girls have returned to their homes so far, the large majority still captives in a forest area.

ISIS, is known to keep a large number of women sex slaves in captivity. One of the survivors of this harrowing experience, Nadia Murad is now an ambassador at the UN. Said Nadia of her ordeal : “Their cruelty was not merely opportunistic. The ISIS soldiers came with a pre-established policy to commit such crimes.” The ISIS shot several of the Yazidi men in cold blood and kept the women as spoils of war.

So keeping in mind that the survivors of war are increasingly women who are subjected to long term suffering, it is necessary for many more of them to have a voice.

Likewise, Trafficking has become a deeply entrenched social problem. The disruptive conditions of war and local instabilities due to various reasons have led to a huge spurt in trafficking. Almost 21 million adults and children are victims of trafficking and women make up 98% of this. Not having equitable opportunities renders women more susceptible to poverty and lack of support and easier to kidnap and coerce. Once a woman enters into trafficking ,the mental and physical abuse (drugs/violence/illness) she suffers  results in a downward spiral in health and confidence.

More women in power help draw stronger and more detailed attention to this problem and help stem the tide of human trafficking.

Closer home in India, women are equally affected, if not more, by the demonetisation that took place. The most poignant stories were of women who saved carefully over the years for a rainy day for their families….carefully collecting each rupee, only to have loves’ labour lost as a sum over a certain amount deposited in the bank attracted questioning or fines. No one approved of their little sacrifices and meticulous financial micro planning prompted by love, in fact husbands criticized them for salting away the money behind their back, and there was no one to represent this group to the government and save their hard earned honest rupees.

In another example from India, skewed sex ratios have forced poor women to enter into unhappy alliances:

Men in the state of Haryana which has one of the worst sex ratios (877females/1000males) have resorted to finding brides for themselves from neighbouring states such as Himachal Pradesh and Bihar. Typically, the girl is from a poor or destitute family and the parents are only too happy to find a groom since they don’t have much resources or prospects for their daughter. The girls are often treated quite badly and are fairly devoid of any support system to rescue them.

Humans affected by a particular issue may be the best placed to take decisions about their own welfare.

There is no substitute for experience. Those who have lived through an experience may be the right people to describe what they went through and also articulate what help they would have benefitted from most and what their current requirements are.

Women are very valuable strategists when planning social welfare programmes as they may be able to bring a wealth of insights and plan the finer details more skillfully. This could include a whole range of programmes from water and sanitation to those developed for basic safety

for women.

We need a fresh, authoritative perspective on long standing traditions:

Important religious texts and rule books such as countries’ constitutions have been interpreted more by male than female minds, often with unhappy consequences

For example, in the recent past, because women have been at the receiving end of unfair divorce laws, the religious books have been more closely scrutinized and it was found that some practices, such as giving triple talaq instantaneously was never sanctioned in the original book, the holy Quran. The book advocated kindness in all dealings. It is safe to assume that men have on occasion been intellectually dishonest and subverted information to give an unfair advantage to themselves at the cost of women. We need to allow more women to interpret laws that govern our daily lives and may well discover that they interpret these texts in a more compassionate and truthful way.

Women bring a different skill set to leadership: having a feminine influence will have better outcomes.

Several interesting studies have been performed to evaluate the differences in leadership styles of men and women, typically by HR departments of companies as well as by psychologists .

There is plenty of data to show a definite contrast in styles.

Among others, a white paper by the Caliper company highlights how women were  more collaborative in their leadership styles, more team players, more likely to try new things (take risks) and more empathic with colleagues .Eagly and Johnson’s 1990 review of several studies found that women encouraged more participation and men were more autocratic and directed performance. Women were also more likely to reward good performance.

Many thinkers have been advocating that implementation of  the ‘maternal culture’ at an International level is imperative to the survival of the planet. Prof. Murata’s group from Japan has presented a paper to the UN on the virtues of a maternal world order. The maternal way of life relies on harmony, cooperation, a democratic development of all stakeholders including the weakest and is in contrast to the patriarchal way of life which is more about power, confrontation and  subjugation. The patriarchal way of life encourages more wars and violence and destructive utilization of resources, something the planet can ill afford.

It is women who execute the small everyday tasks that affect our daily existence

In most of the villages in India and likely in most other countries, it falls on women to draw water from the wells or manage the water resources at home if not in the fields. Water is one of the critical resources for our survival and women have been the ones in charge of its utilization since a long while. Similarly, the food and nutrition which keeps us alive is largely prepared by women and without their effort we would starve.

From nature’s perspective, it is more of women who take to gardening, who do creative ways of recycling and are the ones who actually make the little compost pits on their balconies and gardens.  Many schemes for conserving energy relying on solar cookers and changing from traditional cooking stoves to solar energy are addressed to women

Since women are overwhelmingly the people whose actions support the greater longevity of the planet, were they the ones to make decisions on a higher and more visible platform, they would be able to scale up on the level of conservation and the entire planet would benefit.

Hence increasing women’s representation is both right and better. Right, because it is fair and hands power to those most impacted by policy. Good because the quality of decision making will be better and more inclusive.

The most obvious reason for more women in parliament is that women make up 50% of the population but have only a limited part of the decision making share – India has 11% women parliamentarians, Asia 19.5% and the global average is 22.9% (IPU statistics 2016). Indian women thus have far to go. However there are so many other reasons to encourage women in the highest decision making bodies.

Women are deeply impacted in atrocities and social changes

In war for example, it has become a common means of mass subjugation to rape the women to break the mental resilience of the captured. The number and scale of rapes of women in armed conflict  zones in the world is staggering.

Revolutionary militants often use women as bargaining chips. In 2014, Boko Haram kidnapped 200 schoolgirls studying in Nigeria to use it as leverage with the Nigerian government and secure the release of Boko Haram prisoners. Only a few girls have returned to their homes so far, the large majority still captives in a forest area.

ISIS, is known to keep a large number of women sex slaves in captivity. One of the survivors of this harrowing experience, Nadia Murad is now an ambassador at the UN. Said Nadia of her ordeal : “Their cruelty was not merely opportunistic. The ISIS soldiers came with a pre-established policy to commit such crimes.” The ISIS shot several of the Yazidi men in cold blood and kept the women as spoils of war.

So keeping in mind that the survivors of war are increasingly women who are subjected to long term suffering, it is necessary for many more of them to have a voice.

Likewise, Trafficking has become a deeply entrenched social problem. The disruptive conditions of war and local instabilities due to various reasons have led to a huge spurt in trafficking. Almost 21 million adults and children are victims of trafficking and women make up 98% of this. Not having equitable opportunities renders women more susceptible to poverty and lack of support and easier to kidnap and coerce. Once a woman enters into trafficking ,the mental and physical abuse (drugs/violence/illness) she suffers  results in a downward spiral in health and confidence.

More women in power help draw stronger and more detailed attention to this problem and help stem the tide of human trafficking.

Closer home in India, women are equally affected, if not more, by the demonetisation that took place. The most poignant stories were of women who saved carefully over the years for a rainy day for their families….carefully collecting each rupee, only to have loves’ labour lost as a sum over a certain amount deposited in the bank attracted questioning or fines. No one approved of their little sacrifices and meticulous financial micro planning prompted by love, in fact husbands criticized them for salting away the money behind their back, and there was no one to represent this group to the government and save their hard earned honest rupees.

In another example from India, skewed sex ratios have forced poor women to enter into unhappy alliances:

Men in the state of Haryana which has one of the worst sex ratios (877females/1000males) have resorted to finding brides for themselves from neighbouring states such as Himachal Pradesh and Bihar. Typically, the girl is from a poor or destitute family and the parents are only too happy to find a groom since they don’t have much resources or prospects for their daughter. The girls are often treated quite badly and are fairly devoid of any support system to rescue them.

Humans affected by a particular issue may be the best placed to take decisions about their own welfare.

There is no substitute for experience. Those who have lived through an experience may be the right people to describe what they went through and also articulate what help they would have benefitted from most and what their current requirements are.

Women are very valuable strategists when planning social welfare programmes as they may be able to bring a wealth of insights and plan the finer details more skillfully. This could include a whole range of programmes from water and sanitation to those developed for basic safety

for women.

We need a fresh, authoritative perspective on long standing traditions:

Important religious texts and rule books such as countries’ constitutions have been interpreted more by male than female minds, often with unhappy consequences

For example, in the recent past, because women have been at the receiving end of unfair divorce laws, the religious books have been more closely scrutinized and it was found that some practices, such as giving triple talaq instantaneously was never sanctioned in the original book, the holy Quran. The book advocated kindness in all dealings. It is safe to assume that men have on occasion been intellectually dishonest and subverted information to give an unfair advantage to themselves at the cost of women. We need to allow more women to interpret laws that govern our daily lives and may well discover that they interpret these texts in a more compassionate and truthful way.

Women bring a different skill set to leadership: having a feminine influence will have better outcomes.

Several interesting studies have been performed to evaluate the differences in leadership styles of men and women, typically by HR departments of companies as well as by psychologists .

There is plenty of data to show a definite contrast in styles.

Among others, a white paper by the Caliper company highlights how women were  more collaborative in their leadership styles, more team players, more likely to try new things (take risks) and more empathic with colleagues .Eagly and Johnson’s 1990 review of several studies found that women encouraged more participation and men were more autocratic and directed performance. Women were also more likely to reward good performance.

Many thinkers have been advocating that implementation of  the ‘maternal culture’ at an International level is imperative to the survival of the planet. Prof. Murata’s group from Japan has presented a paper to the UN on the virtues of a maternal world order. The maternal way of life relies on harmony, cooperation, a democratic development of all stakeholders including the weakest and is in contrast to the patriarchal way of life which is more about power, confrontation and  subjugation. The patriarchal way of life encourages more wars and violence and destructive utilization of resources, something the planet can ill afford.

It is women who execute the small everyday tasks that affect our daily existence

In most of the villages in India and likely in most other countries, it falls on women to draw water from the wells or manage the water resources at home if not in the fields. Water is one of the critical resources for our survival and women have been the ones in charge of its utilization since a long while. Similarly, the food and nutrition which keeps us alive is largely prepared by women and without their effort we would starve.

From nature’s perspective, it is more of women who take to gardening, who do creative ways of recycling and are the ones who actually make the little compost pits on their balconies and gardens.  Many schemes for conserving energy relying on solar cookers and changing from traditional cooking stoves to solar energy are addressed to women

Since women are overwhelmingly the people whose actions support the greater longevity of the planet, were they the ones to make decisions on a higher and more visible platform, they would be able to scale up on the level of conservation and the entire planet would benefit.

Hence increasing women’s representation is both right and better. Right, because it is fair and hands power to those most impacted by policy. Good because the quality of decision making will be better and more inclusive.

The most obvious reason for more women in parliament is that women make up 50% of the population but have only a limited part of the decision making share – India has 11% women parliamentarians, Asia 19.5% and the global average is 22.9% (IPU statistics 2016). Indian women thus have far to go. However there are so many other reasons to encourage women in the highest decision making bodies.

Women are deeply impacted in atrocities and social changes

In war for example, it has become a common means of mass subjugation to rape the women to break the mental resilience of the captured. The number and scale of rapes of women in armed conflict  zones in the world is staggering.

Revolutionary militants often use women as bargaining chips. In 2014, Boko Haram kidnapped 200 schoolgirls studying in Nigeria to use it as leverage with the Nigerian government and secure the release of Boko Haram prisoners. Only a few girls have returned to their homes so far, the large majority still captives in a forest area.

ISIS, is known to keep a large number of women sex slaves in captivity. One of the survivors of this harrowing experience, Nadia Murad is now an ambassador at the UN. Said Nadia of her ordeal : “Their cruelty was not merely opportunistic. The ISIS soldiers came with a pre-established policy to commit such crimes.” The ISIS shot several of the Yazidi men in cold blood and kept the women as spoils of war.

So keeping in mind that the survivors of war are increasingly women who are subjected to long term suffering, it is necessary for many more of them to have a voice.

Likewise, Trafficking has become a deeply entrenched social problem. The disruptive conditions of war and local instabilities due to various reasons have led to a huge spurt in trafficking. Almost 21 million adults and children are victims of trafficking and women make up 98% of this. Not having equitable opportunities renders women more susceptible to poverty and lack of support and easier to kidnap and coerce. Once a woman enters into trafficking ,the mental and physical abuse (drugs/violence/illness) she suffers  results in a downward spiral in health and confidence.

More women in power help draw stronger and more detailed attention to this problem and help stem the tide of human trafficking.

Closer home in India, women are equally affected, if not more, by the demonetisation that took place. The most poignant stories were of women who saved carefully over the years for a rainy day for their families….carefully collecting each rupee, only to have loves’ labour lost as a sum over a certain amount deposited in the bank attracted questioning or fines. No one approved of their little sacrifices and meticulous financial micro planning prompted by love, in fact husbands criticized them for salting away the money behind their back, and there was no one to represent this group to the government and save their hard earned honest rupees.

In another example from India, skewed sex ratios have forced poor women to enter into unhappy alliances:

Men in the state of Haryana which has one of the worst sex ratios (877females/1000males) have resorted to finding brides for themselves from neighbouring states such as Himachal Pradesh and Bihar. Typically, the girl is from a poor or destitute family and the parents are only too happy to find a groom since they don’t have much resources or prospects for their daughter. The girls are often treated quite badly and are fairly devoid of any support system to rescue them.

Humans affected by a particular issue may be the best placed to take decisions about their own welfare.

There is no substitute for experience. Those who have lived through an experience may be the right people to describe what they went through and also articulate what help they would have benefitted from most and what their current requirements are.

Women are very valuable strategists when planning social welfare programmes as they may be able to bring a wealth of insights and plan the finer details more skillfully. This could include a whole range of programmes from water and sanitation to those developed for basic safety

for women.

We need a fresh, authoritative perspective on long standing traditions:

Important religious texts and rule books such as countries’ constitutions have been interpreted more by male than female minds, often with unhappy consequences

For example, in the recent past, because women have been at the receiving end of unfair divorce laws, the religious books have been more closely scrutinized and it was found that some practices, such as giving triple talaq instantaneously was never sanctioned in the original book, the holy Quran. The book advocated kindness in all dealings. It is safe to assume that men have on occasion been intellectually dishonest and subverted information to give an unfair advantage to themselves at the cost of women. We need to allow more women to interpret laws that govern our daily lives and may well discover that they interpret these texts in a more compassionate and truthful way.

Women bring a different skill set to leadership: having a feminine influence will have better outcomes.

Several interesting studies have been performed to evaluate the differences in leadership styles of men and women, typically by HR departments of companies as well as by psychologists .

There is plenty of data to show a definite contrast in styles.

Among others, a white paper by the Caliper company highlights how women were  more collaborative in their leadership styles, more team players, more likely to try new things (take risks) and more empathic with colleagues .Eagly and Johnson’s 1990 review of several studies found that women encouraged more participation and men were more autocratic and directed performance. Women were also more likely to reward good performance.

Many thinkers have been advocating that implementation of  the ‘maternal culture’ at an International level is imperative to the survival of the planet. Prof. Murata’s group from Japan has presented a paper to the UN on the virtues of a maternal world order. The maternal way of life relies on harmony, cooperation, a democratic development of all stakeholders including the weakest and is in contrast to the patriarchal way of life which is more about power, confrontation and  subjugation. The patriarchal way of life encourages more wars and violence and destructive utilization of resources, something the planet can ill afford.

It is women who execute the small everyday tasks that affect our daily existence

In most of the villages in India and likely in most other countries, it falls on women to draw water from the wells or manage the water resources at home if not in the fields. Water is one of the critical resources for our survival and women have been the ones in charge of its utilization since a long while. Similarly, the food and nutrition which keeps us alive is largely prepared by women and without their effort we would starve.

From nature’s perspective, it is more of women who take to gardening, who do creative ways of recycling and are the ones who actually make the little compost pits on their balconies and gardens.  Many schemes for conserving energy relying on solar cookers and changing from traditional cooking stoves to solar energy are addressed to women

Since women are overwhelmingly the people whose actions support the greater longevity of the planet, were they the ones to make decisions on a higher and more visible platform, they would be able to scale up on the level of conservation and the entire planet would benefit.

Hence increasing women’s representation is both right and better. Right, because it is fair and hands power to those most impacted by policy. Good because the quality of decision making will be better and more inclusive.

 

Fathers bring out those shotguns

(The Statesman Aug '15 )

Children are engaging and draw attention immediately. Amongst the many types of interactions the one I enjoy the most is between girls and their fathers, particularly the sweet banter and easy camaraderie. I am touched at how protective fathers are of their daughters, and how much daughters implicitly trust their fathers. Fathers stretch themselves to answer questions outside their expertise such as the dress that looks best on their daughters or the earrings that match. I read a food column by a journalist who frequently talks about his little girl. Recently on a TV show, several successful women found that the one thing they had in common was encouragement by their fathers. Many studies in parenting have established that children do better socially and academically where fathers are more engaged with their children.

Therefore it comes as a surprise to me that this strong bond is not conspicuous when the girl grows up. Of course the girl has a spouse and a new family and many more relationships have to be accommodated in their lives. However, when someone faces a crisis, it normally unites the family and well-wishers in a common goal of support and show of strength for the loved one.

So I must ask why many more men are not on the streets demanding equality and justice for their daughters? When a girl goes through the trauma of sexual assault, the heartbreak is equal for both parents. Yet I find that that often it is the sisterhood of citizens that are most vocally supportive of victims. I have no doubt that men offer strong silent support but it would give all women a new sense of confidence and pleasure to have their old allies, fathers, take up more conspicuous cudgels on their behalf. 

Parents can play a decisive role in the serious domestic violence cases. A girl who is being brutally harmed by an alcoholic or violent husband can and must turn to her parents for support. Parents are a trustworthy and lifelong shelter. There is no ‘loss of face’ or ‘loss of respect’ if a girl lives with her parents. After all, grown up men continue to live with theirs. It is time we value our children enough to focus on ‘saving the girl ‘rather than ‘saving the marriage at any cost’. 

It is perplexing that fathers are vocal about their daughters finding the right match but strangely silent when it becomes evident that the wrong match was found. Is it because of deference to another man? But would a violent and cruel man command respect? Or is it some misplaced belief that daughters no longer belong to them? Try asking a daughter what she feels about the equation. Perhaps the parents link a failure of a marriage to themselves in some way and so want to preserve the marriage to avoid being blamed.

Movies are full of the proverbial ’father with shotgun’ scenes where the father is ready to blow to bits any prospective suitor he feels is trying to mislead his daughter or is not good enough for her. There is that sense of pride that he is capable of providing for and looking after his daughter. She can count on him. His love is unconditional. The family is shelter from the storm.

Why is more of this not happening in real life? Why are not men taking up their shotguns, ready to blast their daughter’s assaulters to bits? Or give their male colleagues who say thoughtless and derogatory remarks about women a solid punch? The relationship or responsibility of family does not end with marriage; it is a lifelong process. Why can’t more fathers stand up and say ‘let’s see how anyone messes with my daughter while I am still around. While we can bring into play our finest emotions when it comes to words like honour, principles, motherland and patriotism, why do men suppress their emotions when it comes to that beautiful word – daughter.

I never imagined writing a column advocating violence but this time I have to say – Fathers bring out those shotguns.

The Statesman.....14 August...